I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just found a bag of teeth...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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