3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
