I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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