Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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