My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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