when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
