I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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