My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
