at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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