Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
