Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
