Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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