i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
