Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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