Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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