Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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