Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
