Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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