you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Randomize
