tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
