Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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