Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
