overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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