and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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