Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
