It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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