Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
