just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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