I like to think it a success when the cops are called
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
