i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
