He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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