Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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