You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
