I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize