apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
