i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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