I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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