I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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