You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
