Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
