I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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