the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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