What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
