I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
