five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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