Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
What a dumb baby whore.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
