I met the friendliest cop last night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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