you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
