I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
