The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
