Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
