I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
