Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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