At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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